Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
