Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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