is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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