if i can run in heels then i can drive
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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