The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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