After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
