someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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