I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
