kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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