do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
