I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
