Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
