All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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