so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
