I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
