One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
