Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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