well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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