Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
