I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
