Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
