Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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