since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
