I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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