goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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