Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
