I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
