apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
