I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
