I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
