guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
