She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
