The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
