You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
