just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
