I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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