Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
