i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
