My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
