Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
