i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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