Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
