At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
