Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
