Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
