Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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