She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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