I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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