She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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