I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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